I Didn't like my first poem for A time my world changed, so I wrote a new one :) But I'll have my other poem "What I needed to say" uploaded later because I have it at home. :)
November Thirtieth was the day you came home and
December Third was the day you came to visit me. On
that very same day,
you became the most important thing to me. You
walked upto me and stood next to me with a smile on your face.
We left the parking lot in your Black Civic, and in silence we sat.
Minutes passed, and you slowly grabbed my hand.
I tried moving away but you held our hands close.
You took me home, and you met my family.
One by one you met, and throughout the whole time,
you held on.
Never letting go.
We went outside and
under the beautiful snow fall we walked
You turned around and you looked me in the eyes,
slowly bending forward you
leaned in, and kissed me softly. That kiss,
that perfect kiss
It made my whole world melt.
Into my ears you whispered
I Love You.
and you held me close to you.
That one moment,
under the falling snow,
I'll never forget.
Our first kiss and our first memories together.
1] What else could I add to make it better?
2] Can you picture what's happening, and what would be a good title?
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I like the details, but you're just telling us what happened. Try showing us more, it'll keep the audience more interested.
ReplyDeleteI also really like the flow and where you broke up the lines. Gives the good parts emphasis. c: